Monday, July 29, 2013

The Struggles It Takes..

I know I haven't posted in awhile, but as I was on facebook tonight, I came across this article.  As I was sharing it, and writing why I was sharing it, I decided it may come off better as a blog post.

I am not a full time stay-at-home mom. I also work 2 days a week at a restaurant that causes more stress than it should and still manage to get in almost 20 hours a week, I go to school full-time, and try to do a business on the side with help from social media. I look like a hot mess 99% of the time, my house is messy, and at the end of the day, I feel like I have accomplished nothing; all while trying to raise a little human tornado. Chasing him around to brush his teeth is more exhausting than 2 hours at work during the dinner rush.

I have always suffered from anxiety and depression. I get anxious about what people think about me and get depressed if their opinion is offensive.  I may have a smile on my face most of the time, but when I'm home alone, I just want time. Time alone, time to cry, time to breathe. I just want to be happy. I have this little walking miracle in my arms and all I can think about is when is the next nap time? I used to look down on those people. I used to think, there are so many people who try to have a baby and can't, and here I am complaining about it, so I just sit back, smile, and act like the perfect mommy.

Inside I'm sad, lost, and alone. I could be in a room full of people, have everyone watching and listening to me, and still feel like I'm alone. I hate it. I just want to be happy.

I could be like my husband. He was put on anxiety pills when Peanut was a week old. Since we want more children, I don't want to get on anything until we are done having kids. Then I feel even worse. What if, with every child, I feel worse and worse.

I don't live near family anymore, and my closest friend is 40 mins away. I just want, so badly, for it to be how it used to be. When I was down, I could call up a few friends and head down the street. Sure, I can call anyone up, but I still feel like a horrible parent for being this way.

I'm not sure what to do. This is not a blog post to give you an answer, or a tip, but maybe you can relate. Maybe you can tell me that I'm not a psycho, and everyone feels this way or how you dealt with it, or maybe that no matter what, love is all you need to raise a child.

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1 comment:

  1. I know this is a bit late but I just stumbled across this post when I was doing some research for what other bloggers recommend to buy at Dollar Tree to add to my list of all things. It really touched my heart.

    I myself suffer everyday from anxiety and depression as a result of PTSD and have for 8+ years. I won't go into what happened because it's would be totally TMI but to sum it up in one night my life and my two kid's life changes forever and my husband's life was over.

    I have family around, not alot but enough. Most of my family lives pretty far away. But I do know what you feel like. I don't have many close friends and most of the time I think it's my fault. I used to have lots of friends. I know I have people who care... but it's different.

    I don't like to get out much, I'm in a small town and most everyone knows what happened to me and I feel like they are trying to see how I am doing by observing me ya know? Then I'm nervous if they don't know they might think what is wrong with this lady!

    It doesn't matter... I just know the overwhelming feeling of being in a room full of people and feeling so alone. Your NOT a horrible parent. You are brave for owning who you are, that's something so many people don't have the guts to do.

    Don't want this to be too long.. but I am replying to this not only because I have to battle my illness everyday and have two kids watching me but I remarried about 5 years ago and my husband about 15 months ago had a nervous breakdown and still hasn't recovered. While my bar is pretty darn high for the worst time in my life... I can confidently say this isn't the worse.... but it's hard. He's making strides but sometimes I wonder how much help we are to each other.

    I feel like there is so much stigma with mental illness and I am eternally proud of him for taking what can be the hardest step for a man.. going to the doctor and getting help.

    Do I wish things were better? Honestly, yes. But this is my path for some reason. This is my children's path. I like you had hoped to have more kids. My husband doesn't have any children of his own but we have decided against it because I have found a stable regimen but have never gotten past the insomnia and for us it was't fair to the two we have that survived all this. My son was very young. His Dad was killed the night before his 3rd birthday party. It's still very much a full time job to raise the two I have although I do wish it were different sometimes.

    Wow.. off track so this comment is NOT about me.. I just wanted you to know I could relate. Sometimes (oftentimes) I say out loud even I wish I could just go back. But I have learned with 8+ years of being 100% dedicated to my treatment is take the time to grieve YOU!!!

    You may not ever be the person you were but you will find the good in the person you are now!!!!! I promise.

    Before my husband was killed and I was attacked I never wanted to be a stay at home Mom. It was like my worst nightmare. Now, not only am I with my kids I couldn't imagine being away from them. I'm must more patient, I look at life differently. I'm not quick to anger. While those might not be your new qualities stop and make a list of the things you loved and hated about the "old" you as we all too often want to call it, then make a list of the things you love and hate about the new you. You may find some of those items on the new list are worth it because they changed who you are.

    I used to be a total neat freak and organization was key.... now, the time I spend sitting next to my kids is much more important than those dishes.

    Your journey will continue to change who you are..... and if you feel like it's a positive change let it, if it's not positive .. learn from it :)

    Much love.. and many prayers for you! (feels nice to know I'm not alone too :) )