Monday, July 29, 2013

The Struggles It Takes..

I know I haven't posted in awhile, but as I was on facebook tonight, I came across this article.  As I was sharing it, and writing why I was sharing it, I decided it may come off better as a blog post.

I am not a full time stay-at-home mom. I also work 2 days a week at a restaurant that causes more stress than it should and still manage to get in almost 20 hours a week, I go to school full-time, and try to do a business on the side with help from social media. I look like a hot mess 99% of the time, my house is messy, and at the end of the day, I feel like I have accomplished nothing; all while trying to raise a little human tornado. Chasing him around to brush his teeth is more exhausting than 2 hours at work during the dinner rush.

I have always suffered from anxiety and depression. I get anxious about what people think about me and get depressed if their opinion is offensive.  I may have a smile on my face most of the time, but when I'm home alone, I just want time. Time alone, time to cry, time to breathe. I just want to be happy. I have this little walking miracle in my arms and all I can think about is when is the next nap time? I used to look down on those people. I used to think, there are so many people who try to have a baby and can't, and here I am complaining about it, so I just sit back, smile, and act like the perfect mommy.

Inside I'm sad, lost, and alone. I could be in a room full of people, have everyone watching and listening to me, and still feel like I'm alone. I hate it. I just want to be happy.

I could be like my husband. He was put on anxiety pills when Peanut was a week old. Since we want more children, I don't want to get on anything until we are done having kids. Then I feel even worse. What if, with every child, I feel worse and worse.

I don't live near family anymore, and my closest friend is 40 mins away. I just want, so badly, for it to be how it used to be. When I was down, I could call up a few friends and head down the street. Sure, I can call anyone up, but I still feel like a horrible parent for being this way.

I'm not sure what to do. This is not a blog post to give you an answer, or a tip, but maybe you can relate. Maybe you can tell me that I'm not a psycho, and everyone feels this way or how you dealt with it, or maybe that no matter what, love is all you need to raise a child.

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